This post is unedited.
I want to preface this post by saying that these are my feelings and how I dealt and deal with the loss of our babies. I know that I am in the minority on how I have dealt with it, but it is how I dealt with it. I respect you, you respect me.
We have 3 baby angels in heaven. I think I'm in the minority because I don't mind talking about it or them. It seems a lot get sad when they talk about it or don't at all, which is totally fine, but that's not how I have dealt with it.
Was it painful at the time? Of course.
Did I cry about it? Of course.
Have I cried about it since it has happened? No.
Did I think I might not have anymore children other than Ryan? Yes.
Would that have been ok? Of course.
Was I mad at God about it? I was.
Just because I haven't cried about it, doesn't mean I'm not sad about it. But for me, in my heart, I know that those babies were meant for heaven and for me to meet when I get there.
My miscarriages were early on (1st tri) so maybe that has something to do with it. I don't really think so though, because you love them as soon as you know you are pregnant.
After Ryan, we had decided we'd like to have our kids about 2.5 years apart. Hubs was deploying for 7 months so we decided to try and get pregnant before he left and he would be back before the birth. And to our surprise we got pregnant on the first try in February. He left in March for deployment and 2 weeks later I miscarried. It was hard not having him there, but I had such great friends and my mom came right away to help with Ryan. When hubby got home in October we relived it a little since it was the first time we were together since it happened.
Then a little over a month later we got a little surprise that I was pregnant again. I was a little worried at first, but I figured it was a one time thing so I put my fears aside. In January I miscarried again, this time having to have a D&C.
About 6 months later I found out I was pregnant again. This time a little more worried, but I miscarried a few weeks after we found out I was pregnant.
I got pregnant with our 5th and final pregnancy, regardless of what happened, in December of 2008. I called the doctor who I saw when I had my last miscarriage and told him this was my last pregnancy regardless of what the outcome was and that he needed to do whatever he could to help. I told him I understood he could make no promises but I just wanted to make sure all bases were covered and I knew I did all that I could. If it was meant to be, if would be and if not, we would be ok with it.
Some levels were low but not low enough they normally gave out meds, but he gave me meds. The next few weeks were a little crazy. Ultrasounds and blood work every week. Saw nothing the first week, empty sac the next week, a little something the following week, but nothing he could say was a baby, the next week I went in know it was probably going to to either be my last ultrasound or leaving hearing a heartbeat.
And I heard a heartbeat. I was still very nervous and cautious, but I heard a heartbeat.
Anyways, long story short (ok so not so short, lol), that heartbeat I can listen to anytime I want when my baby girl Emma is cuddling with me. We always said we wanted 2 kids (I wanted a boy and girl, hubby didn't care).
Our family is complete. And although I was so sad to lose those 3 baby angels, I wouldn't change all the heartache and pain for Emma. I will see my 3 baby angels in heaven one day. But until then, I get to enjoy, love and care for my 2 angels on earth. Watch them grow and learn and have their own babies one day.
To all those that have lost a baby, whether you got to hold them in your arms or not, my prayers are with you. All our baby angels are in heaven playing with each other. God Bless them all. And God Bless you.
On a happier note, meet Mandy my newest sponsors blog and check her out.
She's pretty awesome!!!